Close My Eyes

For decades I've fought to stay alive, against sickness, injury, violence and adversity. I have kept death at arms length forever it feels, but t is closing in. Teen depression? Try being 40 or 50 years old. None of my dreams ever came true. Too many around me took paths I pointed them onto and are richly successful. Did any ever look back and say, Thanks mate, that was a good call." and offer a hand up? No.

So much pain has passed. So much trouble and guilt. So much everything except joy. Love making music? Car wreck ends that. Love details and history? Brain injury ends that. Love just being healthy and sweating a good days work? Diabetes ends that. Wish I was a wino in a parking lot somewhere. Unbathed and ready to go away forever. No tattoos to show how sad my eyes had been, or where I'd tripped, danced or tried before.

So sick of spoiled children wearing black and inviting death. I'd love to give them their wish, just to watch them scream that wasn't really it after all. Don't play at things you can't handle you little pricks. All my friends are dead, all that mattered at least. The old music stirs their ghosts and I can't help but cry at the buried memories seeing long lost friends in my mind's eye and remembering something useless but private. I should have died long ago. So much would have been better. Maybe the next time I close my eyes they won't open again. Oh how I need sleep. Too much gone to ever heal again.

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Filed of Black Birds Other June 04, 2018 at 4:08 pm 0 1